


hey girl are u an enderman?

by InPrisonForSparkling



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hybrids, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Wilbur Soot, Blaze Hybrid Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Cat Hybrid GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Catboo, DadSchlatt, Dog Hybrid Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Duck Hybrid Alexis | Quackity, Enderman-Cat Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), F/M, Good Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), M/M, Multi, No Sex, No Smut, Raccoon Hybrid TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Ram Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Shapeshifter Sally the Salmon, Trans Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Wilbur Soot, Wither Hybrid Wilbur Soot, basically trans bois inc ft. tubbo and dadza, jared is wilbur's ex lmao, no smp!dream here lmao, or as i like to call him..., skephalo time, technodad, we do not stan Jared in this house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-24 19:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30076932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InPrisonForSparkling/pseuds/InPrisonForSparkling
Summary: modern AU chatfic shenanigans! (including catboy gogy and dogboy dream bc i said so)
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot/Sally the Salmon, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 147
Kudos: 530





	1. Chapter 1

[ _drem created a group chat_ ]

[ _drem added several people to the group chat_ ]

guitar eyes emoji: huh

[ _drem renamed the group chat to maid dress emporium_ ]

schlagg: excuse me

schlagg: where can i get the maid dresses

drem: LMAOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCKHDGDKSKSIHKFKD

memory boy: *gasps*

memory boy: *forgets*

BIG MAN: stfu memory boy

toob: tecjno will kicl ur ass if he seed tjat tommt

gogy heart eyes: what the fuck actually

BIG MAN: I'll Murder You

tree sap: business as usual i see

Philza: What,

guitar eyes emoji: all is forgiven, baby

guitar eyes emoji: come on out, get dressed, you're my date to the pep rally tonight!

[ _blood god changed guitar eyes emoji's nickname to jd kinnie_ ]

jd kinnie: you chucked me out like i was trash

quack: for that you should be dead,

jd kinnie: but but but!

memory boy: then it hit me like a flash

drem: what if high school went away instead :0

jd kinnie: those assholes are the key

TIME BOY: they're keeping you away from me

schlagg: they made you blind

drem: messed up your mind

jd kinnie: but i can set you free :D

quack: you left me and i fell apart

toob: i pungced thw wall ans cried

jd kinnie: BAM BAM BAM

memory boy: then i found you changed my heart

schlagg: and set loose all the truthful shit inside

jd kinnie: and so i built a bomb! tonight our school is Vietnam

drem: let's guarantee

quack: they never see

jd kinnie: their senior prom!

memory boy: i was meant to be yours

toob: we wete ment to be onw

schlagg: don't give up on me now

jd kinnie: finish what we've begun

drem: i was meant to be yours

jd kinnie: so when the high school gym goes bOOm

BIG MAN: i leave for 2 minutes,

TIME BOY: YOU RUINED IT WHAT THE HONK


	2. Chapter 2

[maid dress emporium]

gogy heart eyes: dream is such a golden retriever

gogy heart eyes: like i was gone for 10 minutes at the most. what do i see when i come home?

drem: GEORG EYOU SAID YOU WOULDNT TELL THEM

gogy heart eyes: i see dream moping on the couch.

gogy heart eyes: the MOMENT he sees me he fucking bounds towards me and tackle hugs me hard enough that we fall over

drem: H

gogy heart eyes: 10 minutes, Dream.

drem: i just love you so much gogy pleading face

gogy heart eyes: shut

memory boy: have you gotten up though

gogy heart eyes: ofc not dream is really comfy

blood god: simp.

* * *

jd kinnie: see cady?? regina george is not your friend, we're your friends! and we're gonna make her pay

jd kinnie: you know what frinds do

jd kinnie: frenda

jd kinnie: freindd

jd kinnie: :(

BIG MAN: i dislike you wilbur soot

jd kinnie: you love me

quack: hey does anyone know how to get out of a meeting for a company you're very much not in

quack: asking for a friend

blood god: Alright listen up

blood god: first you gotta say "oh holy mother of Philza Minecraft, i have to slaughter my cows! apologies, gentlemen. i do not work here."

blood god: then you run like you've just insulted Ranboo while i was in hearing distance

quack: thanks techno youre such a good friend

Philza: I have

Philza: So many questions


	3. Chapter 3

[maid dress emporium]

jd kinnie: GUYS HOLY FUCKINGKFDGSHD SHIT

jd kinnie: i just met the pRETTIEST GIRL????

BIG MAN: Do tell

jd kinnie: so like

jd kinnie: i decide to go to a cafe because. i need caffiene

jd kinnie: and the barista is literally SO BEAUTIFUL. i am blown away

jd kinnie: so i stammer out my order and when she comes over to give me the coffee i ask her name

jd innie: and she laughs, tells me it's Sally, then she GIVES ME HER????? NUMBER??????

schlagg: ah the lovesick idiot is back at it again

schlagg: don't get your heart broken again, though. no one's worth that.

drem: holy shit schlatt's givng good advice

drem: pog

jd kinnie: dw i won't haha

jd kinnie: kinda knew the other guy was a mistake when i met him. but hey, making bad choices is honestly kind of my thing

schlagg: take care of yourself, wil

[ _Philza changed his nickname to Philza fucking Minecraft_ ]

Philza fucking Minecraft: I AM A GOD

quack: update. the business guys are trying to sacrifice me

memory boy: now we don't have time to unpack all of that!

quack: IM SERIOUS THEYRE CHANTING

quack: THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO KILL ME WITH A FUCKING COFFEE STIRRER

tree sap: FIANCES TO THE RESCUE

TIME BOY: FIANCES TO THE RESCUE

toob: wjo wants to buy mt embarassinh phots of tommg

gogy heart eyes: your spelling is a travesty

gogy heart eyes: also how high are the prices

BIG MAN: im being betrayed

toob: :D


	4. Chapter 4

[maid dress emporium]

jd kinnie: Guys

jd kinnie: I have a girlfriend now

jd kinnie: i am inviting her

[ _jd kinnie has invited sawwy the sawmon_ ]

sawwy the sawmon: hello everybody my name is Sally. Appreciate my boyfriend or i will kick your knees in

blood god: oh i like her

* * *

BIG MAN: Boys i have a pressing question for the hybrids here

drem: ask away

BIG MAN: well you see, I was minding my own business today when suddenly poof i have a fucking RACCOON TAIL. am i a hybrid or is something very weird and wrong

gogy heart eyes: well, yeah, sometimes hybrid characteristics come in late

drem: that happened to me, when i met George i was just a dude. and then like five weeks later i was a dogboy

BIG MAN: Ah thank you

toob: :OOO

toob: tommy id a raccob!!

schlagg: son i love you. but "raccob"? really?

toob: God knew that letting me spell correctly would make me far too powerful.

toob: so im syuck with tjis

tree sap: wHAT THE FUCK TUBBO

toob: wjar did ido?

sawwy the sawmon: i fear no man. But tubbo with correct spelling

sawwy the sawmon: He scares me

Philza fucking Minecraft: Wilbur you dumb fuck how did you get on top of the fridge

jd kinnie: I FLOATED

jd kinnie: DONT BE WITHERPHOBIC DAD

Philza fucking Minecraft: ...

Philza fucking Minecraft: I am going to scream

blood god: do it dad

blood god: give in to your primal urges

blood god: scream towards the nearest lake

quack: update. fiances saved me and now we're kissing. the company guys have decided that we are gods and have dedicated a shrine to us

BIG MAN: Jesus christ

quack: no

quack: alex quackity


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh what's this? p l o t?

[DMs, Wilbur Soot + Sally]

Wilbur Soot: Sally uh

Wilbur Soot: Something. kinda happened and I think we need to talk about it

Sally: Okay, sweetie, I'll call you

[ _Call lasted 23:54_ ]

* * *

[maid dress emporium]

schlagg: Everyone

schlagg: My son is so fucking awesome

memory boy: AGREED

BIG MAN: CAN WE GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MR. TUBBO UNDERSCORE

schlagg: *claps*

memory boy: *claps*

Philza fucking Minecraft: *claps*

TIME BOY: *claps*

toob: *calps*

toob: i am very pogers

quack: VERY TRUE!! IN THIS HOUSE WE RESPECT TUBBO UNDERSCORE

toob: :D

BIG MAN: tubbo slander is a crime of the highest order

memory boy: jail for tubbo slanderers!! jail for One Thousand Years!!!

toob: ywsss lets gooo

Philza fucking Minecraft: Anyways where's Wil?

blood god: i think he's at Sally's

BIG MAN: Yeah, he came out of the bathroom looking all panicked and told me he had to go

Philza fucking Minecraft: Huh

toob: that's kinds weirdchamp id say

memory boy: True,,

schlagg: i'm sure he's fine, he's probably worked up over nothing

schlagg: You know how dramatic he gets

memory boy: Also true

jd kinnie: I'm fine

jd kinnie: It's... not exacly nothing though

sawwy the sawmon: We need to work a few things out, then I promise we'll tell you what's going on

Philza fucking Minecraft: Worrying but okay???


	6. Chapter 6

[maid dress emporium]

drem: i want george to come back :(

gogy heart eyes: dream,

drem: GEORGE :D!!!!!

gogy heart eyes: dream. i left two minutes ago. to get coffee for us

drem: but i miss you :((

schlagg: Simp

blood god: simp.

BIG MAN: What is an STD?

toob: jeaus cjrist

quack: no, alex quackity

blood god: that reminds me. how's your cult going?

quack: well, currently me, sap, and karl are lounging in the company guys' jaccuzzi

quack: so pretty good i would say

tree sap: can confirm. we had a blast in the ball pit a while back

blood god: i see. have a nice day

schlagg: Tubbo my son

toob: yes dad :0?

schlagg: My beautiful boy

toob: yes??

schlagg: Why is there a stack of books about bees on my bed

toob: bres!!

toob: *bees

sawwy the sawmon: Bees are good

memory boy: Agreed

toob: agred!!

* * *

[DMs, Wilbur Soot + Philza]

Wilbur Soot: Dad, can we talk?

Wilbur Soot: It's about that thing Sally and I mentioned

Philza: Of course, Wil

[ _Call lasted 37:23_ ]

* * *

[maid dress emporium]

blood god: how to legally adopt someone

blood god: wait fuck this isn't google

blood god: ...ignore that

drem: HUH??

memory boy: Technosoft???

quack: who're you tryin to adopt, Techno??

blood god: i told you to Ignore. That.

schlagg: pfft. as IF.

schlagg: who is it you're adopting?

blood god: sigh

blood god: ...Ranboo

[ _memory boy changed blood god's nickname to TECHNODAD_ ]

memory boy: I very much accept

drem: holy shit


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quite a few of you guessed right actually

[maid dress emporium]

jd kinnie: So uh

jd kinnie: you all remember the thing Sally said we would tell you?>/p>

[ _jd kinnie changed their nickname to pregnanant_ ]

BIG MAN: What the fuck

drem: HUH??

schlagg: WILBUR???

TECHNODAD: ...excuse me

memory boy: wait what-

gogy heart eyes: W h a t

Philza fucking Minecraft: Yeah that was my reaction too

BIG MAN: I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE???

TECHNODAD: oh shit i'm gonna be an uncle

pregnanant: So

pregnanant: Yeah

pregnanant: I'm. Pregnant

* * *

[DMs, Wilbur Soot + Sally]

Sally: Well done on telling them, love

Sally: I know this is sudden, and probably far too soon, but you're handling it really well. I love you

Wilbur Soot: Thanks, Sally

Wilbur Soot: Love you too <3

* * *

[maid dress emporium]

quack: i backread and HUH

toob: :OOO

toob: tommys gona be an uncke!!

BIG MAN: I am in shock


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> irl scene pog??  
> next chapter: the adopting of one Ranboo Beloved

[maid dress emporium]

drem: sometimes i'm sad

drem: but then i remember George exists

drem: and i'm happy again :)

gogy heart eyes: simp

gogy heart eyes: Anyway we have an announcement to make

pregnanant: if you're pregnant too i'm going to scream

gogy heart eyes: lmao no

gogy heart eyes: Me and Dream are dating now

Philza fucking Minecraft: Wait, you weren't before?

pregnanant: nvm still going to scream

sawwy the sawmon: Congrats!

schlagg: Well done on the gayness

toob: fuckinf finaly

tree sap: OH MY GOD FINALLY

quack: took you long enough

[ _pregnanant changed their nickname to SOOTY BOY_ ]

SOOTY BOY: Hey uh question

SOOTY BOY: How best to evade an ex in a shopping mall??

sawwy the sawmon: Do you want me to come find you?

SOOTY BOY: yeah

* * *

Wilbur tries his best to blend into the crowd as he waits for Sally. He does _not_ have the energy to talk to Jared today.

Unfortunately, his luck is low today, and Jared notices him.

"Wilbur!" Jared greets cheerfully, as if they're old friends. "How are you, man? It's been a while."

Wilbur shifts on his feet uncomfortably. "I'm... I'm fine." He glances around, hoping to see Sally coming over, and he does! He makes an urgent motion with his hand.

"You know," Jared begins, "I've been missing you a lot recently." And fuck, this is what Wilbur was afraid of.

Wilbur smiles shakily, taking a couple of steps back.

"I was thinking... why'd we break up in the first place?" Jared continues.

And then Wilbur feels a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"He's taken," Sally says coldly.

Jared just stares for a moment. Then he takes a few steps back, and his voice is all sugar and politeness. "Right, right, of course, I'm sorry, ma'am."

Sally glares at him. "Apologize to Wilbur, not to me. It's pretty damn obvious to anyone with half a braincell that you're making him uncomfortable."

Jared sighs. "I'm really sorry, Wilbur. I had no idea you'd moved on from me so fast-"

Wilbur laughs at that. "Move on? From a guy who cheated on me and emotionally manipulated me? Yeah, of course I moved on fast." He turns and grabs Sally's hand. "C'mon, Sal, let's go."

* * *

[maid dress emporium]

sawwy the sawmon: holy shit that Jared guy is a dick

TECHNODAD: he certainly is


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly schlatt + karlnapity coparents supremacy

[maid dress emporium]

memory boy: it's dysphoria hours boisssss,,,

BIG MAN: fucking mood

BIG MAN: boobies begone please

TECHNODAD: Hey.

TECHNODAD: You both are amazing boys, I'm really lucky to have you two in my life. just because you have like, boobs or whatever, doesn't make you any less of a guy

memory boy: i,,,

memory boy: thank you so much

BIG MAN: I am going to cry

BIG MAN: Thank you so much Tech

TECHNODAD: Now Tommy, how would you feel about becoming Ranboo's uncle

BIG MAN: sounds pog

memory boy: Wait you were serious about adopting me???

TECHNODAD: I mean

TECHNODAD: Yeah

memory boy: okay cool so you have the adoption papers right?? I'm at Tubbo's house

TECHNODAD: pog see you there

* * *

schlagg: I just witnessed Technoblade adopting a child

drem: omg really

[ _memory boy changed their nickname to SONBOO_ ]

SONBOO: Can confirm, was the child being adopted

quack: Schlatt can we be like

quack: Divorce coparents to Tubbo

quack: because Karl and Sap just found out that I used to be your husband and Tubbo's dad and now they want to take care of him too

schlagg: Eh, don't see why not


	10. Chapter 10

[maid dress emporium]

sawwy the sawmon: Wilbur is probably not going to be online very much today

Philza fucking Minecraft: Oh, why?

SOOTY BOY: morning sickness is a bitch

toob: sening hygs!!

SONBOO: he said "sending hugs"

SONBOO: i very much share his sentiment

BIG MAN: Whoa whoa whoa since when are YOU the Tubbo translator???

BIG MAN: But yeah take care of yourself Wilbur

TECHNODAD: make sure not to eat weird cheese

TIME BOY: that's one for the quotebook

TIME BOY: the fiances can't text rn as they're making lunch for us and Tubbo but they are sending love /p!!

schlagg: Don't die

drem: wonderful advice from Schlatt, another one for the quotebook

drem: but yeah!! make sure to drink water and take naps

sawwy the sawmon: Wilbur says that you're all very sweet but he feels like he's about to throw up his entire abdomen

* * *

toob: i surw love havinf four dafs

BIG MAN: he says he sure loves having four dads

tree sap: aw thanks tubbo!!

schlagg: we love you too, kid

quack: TRUE

TIME BOY: TRUE!!!


	11. Chapter 11

[maid dress emporium]

gogy heart eyes: do you think we should change the gc name

toob: ywa

SONBOO: he says yes

SONBOO: btw me and Tommy have decided to take turns being Tubbo's translator

toob: bc your botg nt beT froends

BIG MAN: He says "bc you're both my best friends"

BIG MAN: You are farming awws Tubbo

toob: i am!!

SONBOO: anyway yes we should change the gc name

[ _drem changed the group chat name to WE HATE JARED HERE <3_]

sawwy the sawmon: TRUE

schlagg: So true

quack: ANY TRUERS???

Philza fucking Minecraft: True!

TECHNODAD: no one hurts my brother and gets away with it. so yes, true

BIG MAN: FUCKING TRUE

drem: i spoke for literally everyone when i changed the gc name :heart:

SOOTY BOY: Jared is a bitch

[ _drem added muffin man to the chat_ ]

muffin man: Language!!!

muffin man: But I agree, Jared is a very bad muffin.

SOOTY BOY: :D

[ _gogy heart eyes added sKep to the chat_ ]

sKep: hlo couil ppl

muffin man: He says "Hello cool people"!!

muffin man: I agree :DD you are all very very cool!!

tree sap: skephalo are the couple we need but don't deserve


End file.
